2021 is really a hellish year. It did give me a good start, I was starting to accept my fate, my profession, my faith and all. I had a feeling everything will be better, though love life is not within the menu, I am teaching myself to really look at the bright side.
But of course I am no psychic like Rudy Baldwin claims she is. If I had known what to come, I could have prevented any unpleasant things to happen. 2021 turned out to be another badass year, it did really take a huge blow on my outlook in life, on how I see things, on which areas of life I put my trust in.
All of them, shattered.
2021 is a year full of epiphanies. I was made aware that I am nothing for the past years, especially in the eight years of my career. All individuals need growth in their profession. It was not the case for me. Woe is me, I am placed by fate in the Chinese education sector, which in the first place, I am not supposed to be in, being the Filipino I am. Another reason, my contract period is long expired, it was done in 2019. This is the year when I really start to question everything about myself being in this predicament. All lead to singular footnote: no growth, it was not worth it.
Please understand that I did not regret going to China for college. It is still by far the most memorable years of my life. Then the eventual five years that I need to finish to return the favor of availing the scholarship, those years are my fulfillment of my promise I made in front of the Tiongseian audience at my high school graduation. What I am mad about is my decision of extending my agony. I could have resigned in 2019. If not for that ABS-CBN interview, I should have left, for real. Well played, TSA. Well played.
2021 is a reality check. Eight years are all gone to almost zero.
I need to put myself back to the point where I know my worth, I know what I can do, I know who I want to be.
If God is really in my favor, He shall make me prosper. To be blunt about my faith, I am feeling some sort of partiality. Is my life really destined to just face all these hardships and not taste even a single drop of triumphs? God, You know how I want to prosper, not for me but for my family's sake. If other people can have it, why can't I? Why do I need to strangle myself in these eight years of not achieving anything?
You know what, peeple, I am now in the stage of self-pity and self-hate. All the disappointments and frustrations are now getting some part of me. I am now becoming toxic at work. I cannot completely put myself into accomplishing all the tasks because my mind is programmed that all of my efforts will eventually be wasted. I question myself with: Why teach Chinese if your students are just forced into learning it? Why fool yourself? How are you going to write your CV, with no achievements at all? Just how?
Today is the last day of 2021. I just want to make amends with myself by writing all of these crap down before our gadgets turn the digits to 2022. To further understand how crappy I treated people, since yesterday 30 December, I ask my Facebook friends to say something about me or just tell me anything they want to tell me, I want to know how they feel about me in the past year of toxicity and negativity. Sadly, only a handful of peeple did. Apparently, a vast majority of peeple don't like to slap me with their version of truth. Those data can come in helpful, however I can only analyze the very few feedback I got right now and potentially use them to device a plan on how I can move on during this next year.
So for now, eight years wasted. 8≤0. I don't want to make that 8 a 9.
If I can appeal to you, 2022, I plead to you that you make it a year that I can finally shape my own destiny. It's about time I start deciding for what I must do for the remainder of my adulthood. Father Time, please make this happen.
0 Comments